[Rydal] 自己嫌悪と引数 - Self-hatred and Arguments

This'll be my first journal post in here... it's incomplete though, and it has a lot of missing parts. Sorry if it's like that, it's just that my head is really aching. I can't recall much.

--Author

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My mom started arguing about my grade again...
I don't know why but Rydal (one of my personae) burst out...

I shouted at her... One of the things that I shouldn't have done. I lost control.

We were arguing about my SS14 failure and my final average (2.9, it's close to 3, near the "passing" border)

Though I successfully forced Dai to regain control of my body. It was hard. Because I wanted to hurt myself badly, and I wouldn't want to make them suffer more because of what I will do. So I had to walk out suddenly and cry at the bathroom.

After a while, I came back upstairs and my mom was still MAD. 

All after when she said (angrily of course): "Alam kong hindi ka tanga, hindi ka walang kwenta."
I replied with a voice that echoed all over the house: "TANGA AKO! WALA AKONG KWENTA! BOBO AKO! KASI PURO TRES AT SINGKO LANG ANG GRADE KO!" ...and other shit like that.

Everyone else who were out of the bedroom came rushing in: my cousin, my younger brother, my grandmother and my grandfather.

My mom's eyes popped out in shocked and said to my grandmother: "MAMA! SINIGAWAN AKO! KAILAN BA KITA SINIGAWAN MAMA!" then she started crying.

My grandfather seemed to have lost his temper badly. He came rushing inside the room and took off my glasses, ready to punch me in the face, with his fist clenched. Imagine. I was one punch away from him.

My mother stopped him and screamed: "PA, WAG MO SIYANG SASAKTAN! PA, WAG!" and she held my grandfather's hands.

I don't remember the rest though... Rydal still took over me that time.

*======================================================* 

You know, I was ready to take that punch... "Siguro baka matauhan ako."

Haha, too bad. I didn't. Did you ever feel that you were ready to accept anything and let it all out on that pain you're about to receive? That's how I felt that time. Each and every side of me agreed.
Hahahahaha, whatever... I guess I should be thankful I wasn't punched.

And my mom's right. I'm spending too much time playing computer games. I should have accepted that fact, and transformed my laziness into productivity.

But somehow, I wish they knew the system here in the college that I'm currently studying in. Yet I want them to understand that I'm determined to stay. *sigh* Really.

And you know, in the first place, I never got mad towards my family. I've never ever done that. All I ever really hated was how the world itself works, and my whole existence... I've never felt true hatred towards other people... ...well, except for those at LSM, but that's a different issue.

I want both sides of the argument to be understood. I did my best to understand their side, but sometimes, their minds are just closed.

I know the fact that my mom put her best effort: she got cut, injured, sick and whatever from all that hard work at the ship she's working on. I'm not ignoring those facts. I'm studying as hard as I can too.

But I guess part of me was also hard-headed. I've always played games at home and ignored the work that I  had to do at home. Ah well.

I'm not gonna promise that I'll make any improvement towards myself, but for this time... I know myself that I will do my best to improve.

That's all~! I'mma stop saying nonsense now. :))